GCHQ (Government Communication Headquarters) Intercepted Dialogue.

14 04 2011

I’m reading this book called This Mitchell and Webb Book. They’re a comedy duo and they do a few different shows together. They’re really funny, and this just one of the many funny things in this book:

(It’s four different conversations that’ve been “intercepted” by the government. Funny stuff.)

1) “I hate to say it but I think Brenda uses her condition as a weapon, you know.” “I do, yes, of course she does. She was at mass last Sunday and it was like we were all supposed to be praying for her.” “Yeah, with all the death, disease and destruction in the world, the main thing we’ve got to focus on is her in-growing toe-nail!” “We shouldn’t be airing grievances like this though. Change the subject – how’s your new kitchen coming on?” “Not great. Steve was putting the first cupboard up when he drilled through a water pipe. Now I’m looking for the name of a good plumber!” “I’ve got the number of someone good. He’s new to the area and I invited him along to Church but he said he was Muslim.” “That just means he thinks you’re a nutter.”

2) “It’s a lovely plot on the edge of the cemetery, with a view down the hill to the sea.” “But why did he have to kill himself!?” “Gordon was a very unhappy man in so many ways, Mary. His favourite colour was brown, for God’s sake.” “I can’t stop being struck by what a waste it is, that’s all.” “His wasn’t a good life. Injecting methadone to try and kick the heroin…” “I thought he was coming through that – he was really getting into his music.” ” I hadn’t the heart to tell him I thought it was shit. I think that guy Geoff was just using him really.” “Well he borrowed money off him. Made him pay for a specially adapted left-handed guitar.” “When did you hear that?” “It came out on holiday, when we were all sitting round the pool.” “Cue a whingeing diatribe of self-justification from Geoff, I shouldn’t wonder.”

3) “Ooh, there’s nothing like a nice cup of tea.” “Warm the pot, that’s the secret.” “And Yorkshire tea from my stash.” “Of course. Aaah, that’s nice. Let’s see these photos then.” “Okay. That’s us at Disney World – standing between Mickey and Pluto. And here’s one we took when we were in Hollywood. Tim’s convinced that’s Nium Leeson.” “I think you mean Liam Neeson, who’s in Schindler’s List.” “And that’s the hire car – it’s a Volvo which surprised me!” “Tt! That’s not a sort of car I was given to understand was common in America.” “This is the lady in customs who Tim said was full of sanctimonious cant but she misheard.” “Er…awkward.” “But they agreed to bury the hatchet in the end.” “And that’s Canterbury Cathedral which Tim reckons there’s a secret stash of plutonium underneath. No idea where he got that idea from.”

4) “So you’ve got the guns?” “Yeah, and the ammo!” “We owe Big Girl Steve big time!” “Buy him a bunch of roses!” “Now there’s no need to be homophobic just cos you’re a mercenary doing a tour of duty for Al-Qaeda.” “To be fair, I was being ironic.” “Now the United Nations has been targeted before – so they’ll be on their guard.” “We should be expecting that by now. Preparation, that’s the ticket.” “Anyone who says otherwise – they’re fraudsters, if you ask me.”

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